Through squinted eyes I spot a warm, golden stream of light inviting me to wake up to another beautiful, sunny Spring day. The sound of birds chirping away slip in through the window I left open last night, letting through a breeze of wind for my refreshment. Today's a good day to be a good day! I tell myself obnoxiously like a cult leader in an ad trying to tell me to come live with them in their God protected village or something and seducing me with their robot-smiles. I'd think of a better line and suppress my inner cynic if I wasn't distracted by the pure bliss of another morning in paradise. I check the time to see how early it is, followed by the inevitable act of opening Twitter. Oops. Turns out I've slept until 1 pm, and the golden stream of light was just the Wii U I forgot to turn off before going to bed. I painfully realise it's just another day of karma that's the result of what I assume is nature punishing our species for our self-destructive behaviour and inability to elect leaders with human empathy and good haircuts. I guess we got what we deserve so I'll better get on with it.
I wrestle against my desire to stay in bed all day and let my delusional sense of purpose win. Apparently forcing yourself to smile releases endorphins, which is a scarcer resource than toilet paper at the minute so I grin at the floor like a psychopath on my way to the bathroom. I splash my face with ice cold water to catapult myself into reality, just in case I'm still dreaming. Since lockdown it's been increasingly harder to separate dreams from reality, but luckily, every push notification quickly reminds me that I'm still stuck in a badly written, satirical sitcom. The jokes are the same each episode and the characters are incapable of growing. They never change for the better. And when you think they do change, they just get a little worse before going back to their normal state. Can I please cancel my subscription? This show got boring many elections ago.
After a long look in the mirror to observe how much I've aged just to regain some sort of sense of time, I get out the toner. This is a good opportunity to reflect on all the things I'm grateful for as I'm applying my cruelty-free product that would never have been created and tested in the first place if it wasn't for the existence of my species. Today I'm grateful for being alive thanks to the survival of my ancestors despite them probably being massive arseholes. It's a luxury I didn't fight for but will absolutely exploit. Keeping it on brand, you know. The next step in my quarantine self-care routine is applying my moisturiser. I rub it into my skin, closing my eyes, pretending that it will absolutely matter to have a dewy face when I stare at my screen for 10 hours later on today. It's important to keep up the delusion of being put together to keep a sense of normality, even if this means only fooling your own reflection whenever Netflix gets stuck on its loading screen.
This wouldn't be a quarantine self care routine if it didn't include a yoga session. I put on a 12 hour loop of the same sounds of waves on YouTube, roll out my yoga mat, whisper a few words to my crystals and ground myself with the earth. I dig my feet into the floor underneath me and really let myself become one with my surroundings. I get up once in a while to write down a few thoughts in my journal that just come flying to me in this exercise of free flowing creativity. The first entry reminds me that plants are people too. The second one tells me to find out if I get my deposit back now that I've literally expanded the badly laminated hole on the floor that I've dug my big toe into. I breathe out my anxiety and breathe in peace. I suppress all my worries and responsibilities and pass it on to my future self to deal with it. She's going to hate me but I remind myself that only the present counts for now.
To finish off my morning self-care routine, I prepare a big, nutritious breakfast. It's important to keep it balanced in order to please both the influencers who tell you to dig in and not submit to society's pressure on beauty standards, and those who say you're absolutely in control of your health and only three glute workouts and surgeries away from the perfect body. So I have a cookie with a side of nothing. In order to stay mindful and present as I indulge in my meal, I write down a few reasons why I'm eating:
1. I'm eating because I'm hungry.
2. I'm eating because it took me three different shopping trips to find these goddamn cookies and I deserve it.
3. I'm eating to make up for skipping lunch yesterday, which saved me money and calories only because I overslept.
During my feast, I think about some of the goals I want to accomplish today. One of them is becoming a germophobe so I will finally take cleaning my door handles and light switches seriously. Another on is to work on my reflex to cross the street as soon as I just see a dot of a person appearing on the horizon. The third goal is to become so good at cooking, that I'll never be tempted by takeaway deals that clearly just scam you into ordering more. I'm looking at you, UberEats. 15% off my ass.
The discipline of self-care isn't accomplished overnight. Unless your routine just involves waking up and brutally confronting whatever your reality has to offer. In which case, good on you, keep up the optimism, and never download Twitter. Have a blessed day!