Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
It's difficult not to talk about anything related to the pandemic during lockdown, but can you imagine how bad it's going to get when all this is over? I think I've already repeated the same stories to every single friend and family member of mine. There's only so much I can update them on when it feels like ten minutes after I wake up, it's suddenly time to go back to bed again, so can I please get off the phone now, mother? Yes, I've been neglecting my sourdough starter ever since the first and only time I've baked bread and now I'm too scared to discover what colony I've managed to grow when I open it again. Yes, thank you, my plants are doing fine since they receive better care than my own two feet (let's be honest though, who else other than foot models and fetishist do look after their own feet?), and my paintings are equally as shit as before, thanks for not asking.
I'm already afraid of going back to facing daily social situations, but the thought of being forced to participate in lockdown-related small talk sends shivers down my spine. However, the hypocrite that I am, there's no doubt that I will risk initiating these conversations myself, so here are a few ways to stir the conversation into a different direction when he who shall not be named is brought up again:
Break out in song to confuse them
Apparently 99.9% of people I know hate musicals, so turning an unwanted conversational topic into one doesn't seem like the worst way to put them off talking about it. Maybe prepare a choreography if it's not quite weird enough yet and pirouette away from them.
Bring up your teenage obsession with Twilight and prompt a conversation about the series' upcoming book
Stephenie Meyer announced not too long ago that she will release Midnight Sun on the 4th August this year. If the power of vampires glistening in the sun is still as strong as when I was jealous at my friend's life-size poster of Edward Cullen, then we should be fine. The book will also be written from Edward Cullen's perspective, played by Robert Pattinson in the Twilight movies, reminding you of another perfect segue into suggesting you should try microwaving pasta together with whoever you're talking to and see if it works. Chaotic, but effective. Thanks for the idea, Robert.
Get really into craft beer and refuse to talk about anything else
This one's a little tricky as I remember many ordering cans of Brewdog to their homes during lockdown, but if you're lucky to be obsessed enough, you should manage to talk about the flavour profile and mouthfeel of your favourite craft beers in such depth that you won't even find the time to talk about anything else. And who doesn't love talking about the mouthfeel? In case your friend is about to mention the C-word, just take back control by talking about the can of beer you're pressing into their hand. Bonus point: You and your friend can both get drunk.
Adopt a small, loud child or maybe rent one from your friend so it can distract everyone
I find that pets or children are perfect social shields for when you're either not in the mood to talk about yourself or just really don't want to talk at all. Thank God that children always seem to have something really pressing to say, until it gets so annoying and confusing that the person trying to talk to you will (hopefully) lose their patience and end the conversation for you. It doesn't get more effortless than that.
Talk about how your plants are dying
Explain that since you're not at home as much, it's been difficult to look after your indoor jungle, and then freeze in horror as you realise you accidentally mentioned something lockdown-related. I guess trying not to think about something is in fact the same as thinking about it, huh? Looks like we're doomed anyway - good luck!