Photo by Dragne Marius on Unsplash and absolutely not the way my curry looked
Seeing this pandemic unfold feels a little like sitting on top of a roof and watching a fire expand, hoping someone is going to put it out soon. Unfortunately, fires are a little unpredictable, and so is the strategy with which some governments around the world have responded to it. Until they finally decide to exercise any functional state's duty to look after its citizens, all we can do is sit back, prepare some snacks and hope the fire will be over before it reaches the petrol station across the street. Bring some sunglasses in case something explodes. You never know.
What would a show be without a big, satisfying potluck? We’ve all seen enough live streams of people cooking and binged hours of aesthetically pleasing tutorials on YouTube to finally put it to practice. Away with the instant noodles (no, adding an egg to it does not count as proper cooking), the beans on toast and no more cereal for dinner. And if all still goes to shit: Let’s just create hell for Gordon Ramsey to keep us entertained.
Quarantine Curry
Serves 4, but stress-eat it all yourself anyway
First we’re going to do the paste. Turn up the heat in your flat as well as the neglected frying pan you bought as part of your moving essentials but never used. Money not wasted on a night out can now be spent on keeping your home warm without feeling guilty, so be bold and turn on both radiators. Try not to cry while dicing one onion, and if you do, blame it on the thought of millions of people’s uncertain financial situation in the upcoming months. Wash your hands to make it go away and cry again as even washing your hands reminds you of the current crisis. When you’re finished seasoning the dish with your salty tears, add a teaspoon of dried chili and cook until softened.
Next, crush 9 individual garlic cloves. Imagine every clove is a politician you wish wasn’t in power or a relative who has announced she won’t let “this Chinese intruder” win and therefore takes your nan out to her favourite restaurant several times a week. Put the crushed bigots in their next circle of hell, the food processor, along with a piece of peeled ginger approximately the size of Trump’s tiny thumb. Add a mix of 1 tablespoon ground coriander, 2 tablespoons ground cumin, 1 tablespoon garam masala, 2 tablespoons tomato purée, half a teaspoon of salt, and the fried onion. Drizzle a little more oil in there too, depending on how smooth the paste is.
When you’re done imagining all the grande arseholes in this world being crushed into minuscule pieces, let them enter their third circle of hell by cooking them softly in a medium saucepan for two minutes over medium heat. Stir it occasionally to make sure no one gets away with hanging and sticking on to the sides of the pan and instead get their fair share of cooking with the rest.
Now it’s time to use the canned chickpeas which the internet told you to hoard, but you’ve never used because they don’t have a bloody ring puller. As you’re busy thinking about regretting you didn’t want to splurge on a cheap IKEA can opener, turn off the smoke alarm which finally kicks you out of your thought spiral. Go rogue and murder one 400g can of chickpeas open with the biggest knife you have, until you finally manage to cut half of it and let its alien fluids spill out. Drain it in the sink, unless you’re not disgusted enough to add a little to your curry. Add 400g of tinned tomatoes to make your kitchen look even more like a murder scene, and simmer for 5 minutes. Let it reduce down until it gets nice and thick.
While you wait, tidy up the kitchen to reduce the risk of your flatmates actually turning you into a crime victim, add 100g of coconut with a little water and cook for 5 more minutes. If the sensible part of your subconscious managed to panic buy some greens too, add a little bit of chopped coriander and 100g spinach and cook until wilted and wrinkled like your skin when you stay too long in the shower to contemplate the instability of your existence.
Cook a bit of rice for some extra carbs to keep your brain going, and garnish with extra coriander to decorate: et voilà! You’ve got yourself some quarantine curry that should get you through the next Coronavirus government responses!
Real recipe with actually helpful instructions can be found on: https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/kadala-curry
Ps. I added a handful of lentils for texture and extra nutrients - because, let's face it, you were never going to use them anyway - and I can confirm it was *chefs kiss* above mediocre