If you've already read the first part of this series as well as the second one, most people would probably assume that you're either a sixteen year old virgin, desperately trying to get laid, or a broken 50 year old, who's given up on love but still signed up to all the dating websites he could find on this mysterious place called 'The Internet'. Since I'm the one writing this guide, I can promise you that I won't simply judge you like that. I know that your real intentions are very likely to be simpler and far more innocent. For instance, the fact that you're reading through the third part of a how-to-tinder series, might be an indication that you're still part of the exclusive cult (single and desperate housewives and men) that believes Tinder is anything like eHarmony, helping you to "find love based on compatibility". Don't worry, we're far more superficial than that. If this series should've taught you anything, or me while writing it, then it's the fact that our looks or personality don't make us any less replacable. The very important trick, however, is to pretend as if we aren't. Because despite the very likely ending of of two matches never seeing or talking to each other again, neither digitally and let alone in real life, there is a strange pleasure and excitement involved in the act of pretending as if two people swiping right on each other is a miracle, fate, something special to celebrate and adapt your sleep cycle to. So in the third part of this very serious guide, we're discussing how to tinder safely, how not to make yourself sound or behave like a creep, and how to make someone else feel special when in reality none of us really are.
1. Change Your Settings - Location, Sex and Age
Although Tinder might be known as a haven for child predators, its reputation is (almost) completely unjustified. Yes, there might be some people out there with horrible intentions, people who should be banned from entering any public space for people under the age of fifteen, but that doesn't mean that they should stop us from enjoying the simple things in life and taking advantage of what Tinder has to give us. Of course there will always be a risk involved in talking to strangers virtually and getting emotionally attached to them, when you know nothing else about them other than their height, but there are risks everywhere around us. The advantage of using an app to live a little more dangerously, is that you have far more control over it than the risks that are involved in real life. You can't choose who you bump into in Tesco or who catcalls you on the way back home when you simply intended to get nothing else but onions instead of five seconds of discomfort. Tinder, however, gives you the chance to decide yourself what criteria in terms of location, sex and age your match has to meet in order to be able to pop up on your screen. Because you can easily change all of those settings yourself, there is no need to match with that creepy old neighbour, and if you "complain" about someone from your non-preferred sex to have talked to you romantically, then it might be about time to stop hiding in that closet of yours, in which case: you're welcome.
2. Snapchat Can Wait
I'm not entirely sure how easily people are persuaded when it comes to giving away their Snapchat name. It might just be me who sees Snapchat as the next step in a relationship, hence my endless list of challenges and tests I put my matches through before not the many, but the few (I'm sure you agree Jezza) get the pleasure of receiving a snapstorm of double chin wonders from me. However, what I am sure about is that a lot of Tinderers try to create a shortcut to whatever their goal is through starting a conversation by asking for someone's Snapchat name. It's come to a point where it's almost become a synonym for the generic 'hi how are you'. I'm not trying to say that there is anything wrong with giving away that information to a stranger, I mean, you do you, man. However, in case you're using the dating app with the potential to hook up with someone, I would dare to guess that it's not exactly yourself you want to be doing. So in case my advice holds any significance or relevance to you, I'd suggest you see adding someone on Snapchat as a sign of trust, and the result of having talked to someone so intensely, that you decide it's serious enough to be vulnerable and show your unpolished, unfiltered, real version of yourself. Personally though, I've got to be honest and admit that I'd rather cry from laughing about some shitty ice breakers instead of the fact that someone's trying to use their six pack of imaginary abs as a wingman.
3. Be Critical - Anyone's A Potential Sociopath
As with anyone you meet offline or online, you should always be aware of the fact that this world does not consist of rainbows and unicorns only, candy floss and people wanting to take you on a fun trip to Wonderland. However, if that is how you perceive the world you're living in, I'd advise you to either get yourself checked or share with me however much you've got left of that stuff you've been taking. There is an unlimited amount of ways to die, some of them being more stupid than others, and only a tiny fraction of it is preventable by our own limited powers. Luckily, deaths caused by the consequences of Tinder are very unusual, but the list of fucking up in survivable ways is still worringly long, which is why every Tinderer should always try to see the red flags in every conversation with their matches. Are they pushing the boundaries of trying to get more information about you than your hobbies, interests and music taste? Are they asking questions about your financial status, or would they like to know where you live before having agreed to meet up? Are they telling you a story about how they just need someone to save them, giving you the opportunity to play the hero, when in reality it might or might not leave you with nothing else but an empty bank account and a burnt down house? I'm not trying to tell you to see the potential bad in others. But please, do try and see the potential bad in others. It might or might not save your life, sanity, dignity and bank account, in no particular, prioritised order.
4. The Hero Of Tinder Only Needs One Superpower - The Block Button
Call me a hypocrite, but how fed up are you with the term "Online Safety"? There's (ironically enough) websites out there full of case studies and stories of victims of online abuse, bullying and receiving uncomfortable messages on a variety of platforms, whether it'd be Facebook, Instagram or the school's online teaching site. It's obvious that any kind of experiences of discomfort or harm need to be taken seriously, but I feel like there's this exaggeration that creates nothing but fear, instead of presenting ways to solve problems that can come with online use. It's almost as if your parents want to be given another reason to put themselves in a position of authority and omnipotence, without actually sharing any kind of sensible and relevant knowledge about how to take advantage of digitalism without it taking advantage of us. When it comes to Tinder, there is not much simpler advice to give than the suggestion to move on to someone else (the benefit of replaceability) or report and block them, if they're making you feel even slightly uncomfortable. The block button is your best friend at a party who keeps you safe and holds your hair while throwing up in the toilet. He's the one who reads your signs of discomfort and body language that's saying "get me the fuck out of here he's about to talk about his stamp collection". Tindering might feel like a lonely task to do on a Friday night, but don't worry: the block button will always be there to keep you company, and most importantly, to keep you safe.
5. Simply Don't Be A Dick (how hard can it be?)
Tell me what you're more disappointed by: The fact that this is the kind of advice that's pointless to even read about, or my attempt to include a dick pun in a blog post about safe tindering? Regardless of your answer of choice, both might seem equally obvious, and you probably believe that this is something everyone should know about on beforehand. Well, you'd be surprised by how many people seem to never have learned anything about neither of those. One might assume that since we've all pretty much grown up in at least similar environments with the same social codes and rules, trying to be as nice to each other as possible should be seen as being part of being a functioning member of society. After having lived on this earth for nineteen years, I can guarantee you that this is not the case. I'm not even trying to put all the blame on other people who have been inconsiderate and selfish (Fuck you Michael), because I do myself have dick tendencies inside of me. However, we live and learn and in my opinion, it's quite surprising that most of us manage not to fuck up 80% of the time, when we're all inevitably nothing else but a bunch of idiots. This is why this piece of advice is just an encouragement to be nice to each other. It's an invitation to realise that although it doesn't always feel like it, there is an actual human being behind those Tinder profiles of witty bios and drunk club selfies. If we'd all easily manage to stop being too self-centred for at least a little while and start acknowledging the other person's ability to feel and lay awake at night because of some pointless, negative remarks, then this third part of my little Tinder 101 would've been even less important and necessary than it is in the first place.
I'm torn apart between wanting to congratulate you for completing the third part of my Tinder Guide, and wanting to ask you what's wrong with you and why you've got nothing better to do with your life. In case you feel absolutely no shame at all, you might be pleased to hear that I'm already planning the fourth part of this series, where we'll push the boundaries of Tinder and go beyond online behaviour. I hope you've enjoyed it so far, and that your life feels slightly more fulfilling now that your Tinder game has improved. For now, I've got nothing else to say other than stay safe and happy tindering!