Now that you've hopefully read the first part of this little Tinder 101, you're prepared to take the next step in the journey of sucking out all the possible gratification you can get out of swiping left and right on this app. In the first part we talked about laying the groundwork for happy and successful tindering, including writing a bio without it being your actual bio, what pictures to post that don't make you look like a narcissist, and knowing yourself and your intentions to use Tinder fairly. In this second part, I'll offer some armchair advice concerning the issue of starting a conversation. The following advice will be completely gender-neutral (chairs and avocados not included) (*1), because ladies, we're just as capable of saying hi as our male counterpart. Remember that everyone's generally equally afraid of rejection, so the following list can be of perfect use for anyone who aspires to have the courage to take initiative after a match, regardless of gender.
First of all, keep in mind that rejection will always be a possibility, but you're only depriving yourself of hundreds of other positive possibilities if you let this fear get in the way. Before I start preaching about my philosophy on the app as if I'm some kind of Tinder missionary, I encourage you to challenge your attitude towards rejection. I'm not sure why guys tend to seem more confident. Perhaps they just feel it's their male, social duty to take initiative, but that doesn't mean they're less frightened of embarassing themselves or not performing well enough to keep the conversation going. Since guys are still dominating the ice breaker game, girls actually have an advantage of surprising the other part by taking the first step, because it's still quite unusual and comes across as a sign of confidence. Another thing to keep in mind is that although we're dealing with real life people, there is only a tiny chance we'll ever meet them in real life. Sure, if you're brave enough to keep your settings on something like a 5 km distance, then you increase the possibility of running into a match in town while you're waiting in line to buy cheap coffee at a petrol station at 8 in the morning on your way to school, perfectly timed right the day after an unusually alcoholic Sunday night, resulting in your mouth tasting like something died in there, and you put on the first top you managed to grab in time which happened to be your unicorn singlet which you purchased at the children's section (*breathing out*). Very unlikely, but, you know, it might happen.
I hope I didn't scare you too much after that story, and if it's any consolation, then I admit that I lied a little. I hadn't drunk the night before. I just generally look like sh*t at 8 am. But hey, no matter if you're going to make mistakes or not, guess what: it doesn't even matter. No matter the outcome, as long as it involves you surviving it of course, it will either give you lots of good moments, deep and entertaining conversations, or at least a good story to tell your friends later. So without further ado, here is my short list of five tips on how to create the foundation for a good Tinder conversation:
1. Refer to their bio
This is a foolproof method, which is why I decided to mention it first, so you definitely do not miss it before you fall asleep whilst reading this way too long blog post. No matter if you're already an experienced Tinderer or just a beginner, you've probably used this method before. It might be that your match's bio is hilarious and it totally motivated you to build on their joke, or perhaps his bio tells you something about his interests which you happen to have in common, and you immediately start with an inside joke that only people with those interests would understand. One example, that is by the way also a good example of a Tinder bio, is that your match quoted a film or a song, and because you recognised it, you automatically have something to talk about. The additional benefit of this is also that it takes away the fear of running out of things to say. A simple line that refers to an interest, film or song creates a win-win situation for both parts: It gives a potential match the opportunity to easily start a conversation and you both get to obsess about your common interest together.
2. Good old pick up lines
Yes, pick up lines are super cheesy, but can actually be highly effective. The reason for that is that hardly anyone takes them seriously, so because of this collective feeling of cringe, pick up lines turn into a joke that everyone understands. Again, using them also gives off a vibe of confidence, and takes some of the pressure away, because the other part gets to reply sarcastically or just joke around, which is always a good way to start a conversation. It also shows that, in case that's your intention, you're not taking any of this seriously and are only on here for some good entertainment at 2 am while you're struggling to fall asleep. Furthermore, there is a sense of familiarity when it comes to classic pick up lines. It's something we can relate to, because we have either heard, or even used, them before. By challenging the other person with this type of ice breaker, you can also test the other person by seeing how they respond. Will they seem unpleasant because they pretend to be disgusted by your attempt to be charming by clearly using a pick up line ironically, or will they get the joke, feel flattered and even reply jokingly back? This method gives you the chance to get a first impression of your match, and see if the chemistry is right to continue talking. If unsuccessful, then you just try out the same line on someone else and move on. Easy.
3. Be brutally honest
This is one of my favourites, simply because I personally find brutal honesty a la Ricky Gervais hilarious. It's unexpected, shows confidence and the transparency often makes conversations seem so much more light hearted. There is obviously a lot you can be honest about, it doesn't even need to be relevant to the app. It can be a completely random and weird fact about yourself, something ridiculous you did one day, or perhaps it's about what you want or why you're using Tinder. Something that can seem quite charming and flattering is if you're being open and honest about why you decided to swipe right on your match. You don't just compliment them indirectly, which makes the whole compliment less cheesy, but it also gives the other person a chance to either compliment back, or even refuse to accept the compliment by replying sarcastically. This is obviously a little bit tricky, because you can't be sure about the real meaning behind the response yet, until you've understood the other person's tone of voice. If you're feeling exceptionally brave, you can even show (or fake) some confidence and explain why you think you two matched, complimenting both of you. It can either make you seem like a narcissistic bag of dicks, but if the other person understands the exaggeration, confidence and humour that lies behind it, this could be the beginning of something great for both of you.
4. Make a suggestion about what you can do together - even if you're serious or not
You must be absolutely fed up with my use of the word 'confidence', in which case, I hope you've turned it into a drinking game and are slightly tipsy by the time you're reading this. However, this tip is for the super brave Tinder users, who have realised that this is all just a game where anything can happen, really. If you've achieved this high level of f*ck it this is Tinder-attitude, then this might open up the most possibilities for you. By pretending (or not pretending) to skip the small talk, refusing to spend money on the appetiser when you can go straight to the main course, you show confidence (drink) and give off a sense that you're spontaneous and fun to hang out with. If you're serious about your offer, it's probably for the best that you suggest something realistic and doable, whereas you could also go the complete other way and suggest something so unrealistic, you still show the same sign of confidence (you know what to do) and fun, while simultaneously indicating that you just would like to have a fun conversation at first. The worst possible outcome could be that your match completely takes it the wrong way, feels creeped out and checks if you're already standing in front of his house right before calling the police. In which case, you just apologise, start all over, or simply move on to start the next game.
5. Be sarcastic or ironic
This last tip is also a tricky one, because sarcasm, if not understood correctly, can easily come off as arrogance. However, if used in the right way, sarcastic messages can make you seem confident (are you drunk yet?) and witty, instead of portraying you as a cynical narcisstist. Both sarcasm and its good and probably friendlier cousin irony, can help you spice up a conversation and test if the other person understands your sense of humour. Sharing the same or at least similar sense of humour lays a great foundation for an entertaining Tinder experience, just like with any conversation or relationship. When using this method as an ice breaker, you could for example use a stereotypical Tinder phrase ironically, which you probably know about if you've used the app for a while, or you could make some sarcastic comment on your matche's bio. Tip number five is linked to all of the other tips I've already mentioned, and in a way sums them all up, because a little sarcasm and fun in all of them would make the methods above even more effective. You know those never-ending conversations where you're not really saying anything because you just build on each others' jokes? Yeah, exactly, those. I'd risk an endless amount of rejections for the potential opportunity to get one of those conversations and make myself believe I'm funny. They are the ones I'm living, breathing and tindering for.
Congratulations, you've completed part 2 of my imaginary Tinder course. At this point, you've hopefully improved your profile, picked a great line for your bio, and are determined to put these tips into effect. Remember, you're the only one who can stop you now. And your endless Spotify playlists that never seem to want to fully download, so you need to sacrifice Tinder to make space for music. If you've enjoyed my Tinder 101's, I might consider writing a third one, perhaps about safe tindering or behaviour. Maybe a guide with examples of lines, ice breakers and good bios might be helpful? Let me know what you'd be interested in reading about, your Tinder guru gotchu.
(*1)Just a quick reminder that this is all written from my heterosexual point of view, and is based on my personal experiences, so it won't apply to everyone, or be of use for everyone. Just pointing out the obvious here. Hope you enjoyed reading just as much as I did writing it. Happy tindering!