In front of you sits a row of silver knives and forks, elegantly hugging the air around your plate. They come in various different shapes and sizes, all sparkling in the light of the chandelier above you. A blue ocean wave of a dress is framing a woman’s shoulders, who’s just entering the room as a suited man opens the door for her. You nervously look down on your plate and hope that someone at your table will pick up the first set of cutlery to prevent yourself from embarrassment as you make your first mistake. The tension is high, and your inner checklist of how you should behave right now makes you wonder: Are all these rules of etiquette really necessary in order to socialise together? Are they perhaps purely used to separate the upper class from the ones below, designed to make you feel uncomfortable in this very situation? And where did it all come from in the first place?
The word etiquette as we know it, has only been used in the modern sense since around 1750. One theory says that it was the 4th Earl of Chesterfield, Philip Stanhope, who first used the word in his letters to his son. The letters were mostly constructive lessons on how to become a gentleman, arguing that following the rules of etiquette was a useful tool for social advancement. But he was not the first, nor the only one who would write about the paragons of proper behaviour. When social etiquette started out it was less hierarchical, less of an indication of your social status. It was merely used as a set of rules and guidelines linked to morality, sincerity and justice. Already in the 3rd millennium BC, Ptahhotep, an ancient Egyptian vizier, wrote The Maxims of Ptahhotep. They brought up accepted behaviour and civil virtues such as self-control, truthfulness, and kindness towards others around you. Even Confucius included rules for speaking and eating. Then much later on, there was the The Book of the Courtier, written by Baldassare Castiglione, which had a particular focus on the etiquette and morality of the courtier, and Il Galateo by Giovanni della Casa, which was a guide book about what one should do and avoid in social life. Benjamin Franklin and George Washington also wrote codes of conduct for young gentlemen in the American colonies. We’ve been obsessed with establishing specific rules for social behaviour for a long time, and the list of types of etiquette in history only goes on and on. In many ways, etiquette can be associated with pretentious snobbery. It can be used in a way to assume a higher rank in the social hierarchy, purely because of the way that one speaks and acts. We can even see this depicted and idolised in films such as Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Blue Jasmine, or any other film that shows clear class differences between characters based on the way they speak, act and dress. Around the 17th and 18th centuries, the monarch and king of France Louis XIV, was known to use a highly codified set of etiquette in order to assert his supremacy in front of foreign dignitaries. But it wasn’t power alone that was the motivator behind the use of etiquette. Louis XIV would arrange summer parties at Versailles, which often left his palace and all that surrounded it in a mess. He noticed quickly that his guests would trail off the paths in the gardens, leave trash on the ground and even jump into the very inviting, cooling fountains in the hot summer sun. The solution he came up with was to put little signs around everywhere, that would indicate what kind of behaviour he expected from his guests. The French word for sign is étiquette. However, it was only during the Enlightenment era that performing the rules of etiquette became a symbol of being a member of the upper class. Those rules would indicate when showing emotion was seen as appropriate, the art of elegant dress, and how to hold a graceful conversation. There was also a particular focus on what it meant to act courteously towards women. In order for middle class bourgeoisie to be able to identify with the elite, they started following their etiquette and adopted their social standards. Magazines and newspapers started to educate their readers on how to behave like a gentleman, and “polite classes” would establish rules and proper behaviour during etiquette conventions, outlined in gentlemen’s clubs. Publications aimed to "to enliven morality with wit, and to temper wit with morality... to bring philosophy out of the closets and libraries, schools and colleges, to dwell in clubs and assemblies, at tea-tables and coffeehouses”, giving readers ideas and opportunities to engage in reasoned debates and other social interactions. Could the development of etiquette be an indicator that what people sought after wasn’t simply a better status in the ranks of society, but also the intellectual and social stimulation that came from this newly developed class style? Not to forget the desirable membership of a better class that came with it? Was it perhaps a new wave of self-development? Because if so, it quickly went a little off-trail. By the Victorian era, etiquette had developed into a complicated system of rules that would alienate people outside of its practice. Its rules would separate proper methods for writing letters, using cutlery, but also regulate interactions between different classes and gender. Instead of bringing classes together, etiquette was used to display one’s social status, and to maintain social boundaries relative to class and identity. Etiquette didn’t simply encourage sober debate between men, it changed the power dynamics between classes and consequently divided them. From a more forgiving perspective, etiquette can be seen as part of our evolutionary process. Disgustologist Val Curtis believes that the development of manners and behaviour developed simultaneously as the development of disgust, shame, and other complex emotions. The social behaviour part of etiquette can play an evolutionary role in the prevention of disease, as it assumes that if you’re hygienic, polite to others and maintain a beneficial membership within a group, you stand the best chance of survival and reproduction. In this sense, a higher rank in social status as a result of following the norms of etiquette are synonymous with being a good candidate within natural selection. Joseph Henrich and Robert Boyd have also argued that natural selection has actually favoured those with the ability to adapt to the norms and rules, as individuals in a group are naturally compelled to punish those who violate the norms of a group (whether that be common practices or rules that keep the group safe), and look after those who submit to them. From this point of view, etiquette has mostly contributed to strengthening a group and preventing potential conflicts, as all conformist members of a cultural group benefit from the support and cooperation that comes with its membership. The rules of etiquette can therefore be helpful guidelines in situations where we don’t know what to do. But what we think we’re supposed to do has changed a lot over the years. Dutch painter Andries Both’s piece called Hunting Lice by Candlelight shows that hunting for head lice had become a peasant occupation by 1630, whereas it had been regarded as a civilized grooming occupation in the early Middle Ages. What might have seemed like gentleman-like behaviour towards women hundreds of years ago can today seem like an act that’s associated with the then unquestioned misogyny we’re challenging today. Social etiquette of the modern day world revolves around even the smallest things most of us do by default. We might wonder whether we should take our shoes off or keep them on when entering a friend’s house. Should I accept their offer to have a cup of tea, or should I politely decline in order not to take up too much of their time? How long is it acceptable for me to stay for and at what point am I overstaying my welcome? Who is entitled to the armrests to your left and right, and when is it OK to unfriend someone on social media? To what extent can I chase after a potential partner before it becomes intrusive? Perhaps etiquette isn’t entirely a product of privilege and class division. Rules of etiquette guide us in how to interact with each other in the most considerate way, even if this sometimes means that you have to deal with traditions that require four more forks than usual. At the very bottom of the reason why humans have invented strict ideas of proper behaviour might just hide an underlying desire to be accepted by others, and simply get along by safely sticking to the rules. We might not need to use eloquent language or perform specific rituals in order to socially stimulate each other, but the development of etiquette has over the centuries challenged our idea of how we would like to live together. Sometimes this requires a level of organised, coercive control, other times it only asks for a considerate question. Fancy dresses, cutlery, and formalities aside, perhaps the intention behind creating etiquette was to simply be more pleasant human beings, that can enjoy each others’ company in peace - without wasting too much energy on philosophising whether to take our shoes off or keep them on.
