Did you impulsively arrange a date that one night at 3am when loneliness took over your sanity? Have you been set up with your friend’s very interesting cousin because your friends group is worried that the only men you’ll ever speak to are Ben & Jerry? Does your date turn out to be a misogynistic dick who points out that you’re not like other women because you’ve got brains? Well, here are some strategies to help you get rid of your unwanted date and fill you up at the same time!
Spicy Wings
One of the stars of every barbecue might actually bring more qualities to the table than you expected. Not only are they incredibly delicious, but also a great source of opportunities to make yourself look like an absolute animal. Only someone into beastiality would tolerate the look of you digging your teeth into a juicy wing that once belonged to a cute little chicken, happily running across a farm. Completely unaware of its brutal fate, it’s now covered in brown barbecue sauce and so are you. If you want to go all out, you make sure that you and your date order a plate of wings for two, only so you can show him who’s boss and greedily take your bigger share of the serving. Not only will this ensure that you can go home with a full and satisfied stomach, but you’ll also have the excuse not to speak a single word throughout the entire feast. Everyone wins, really. Other than your date or the chicken, of course.
Pasta (or apparently anything Italian, really)
Imagine the opportunities that come with deciding to have pasta on a first date: You can sit in the nicest, poshest restaurant you’ve never eaten in, enjoy the atmosphere and maybe even a little live music, and still have multiple chances to scare off an unwanted date at any given point during the evening. You might go for a nice little starter, let’s say, mussels, and decide to delicately pick them out of their shells with a fork, gently dipping them in garlic sauce before they meet your tastebuds. However, in case you’re already fed up at that point, open those teeny weeny little motherfuckers with your primitive hands that evolution has given you to destroy things, throw your head back, and slurp every single drop of juice out of them. If you feel like a little more theatrical performance is needed, order some Bolognese as your main, and stare your unwanted date right in his eyes as you suck one noodle after another into your mouth. It should look a little like those two Disney dogs from ‘Lady and the Tramp’, in that scene where they have their iconic pasta kiss - except you’re not doing it with anyone else but yourself (you could, however, suggest the idea to your date and see how he reacts for an even more effective outcome.)
Kebabs
In case alcohol hasn’t numbed you enough to follow through with the rest of the evening, a good old dirty kebab can always come to your rescue. Let your date watch you eat with disgust, as you demolish layers of lamb strips hugged by salad and bread. Let his eyes follow the streams of garlic sauce running down from both corners of your mouth, like a vampire who’s overflowing with blood after a massive feast. And then, when he’s just about to awkwardly look away so he can eat his own takeaway in peace, show off everything that’s stuck in your teeth by giving him the biggest smile he’s received from you all evening - yes, even bigger than all the times he flattered himself in disguise of poorly constructed jokes. If by the end of the night, he still decides to kiss you and arrange a next date, appreciate his forgiving tolerance and realise that you’re probably a little too much of a dick for him. Send him a text the day after to thank him for the evening, but that you’ve sadly decided to move to Peru to start an ant farm, and that you’re not thinking about ever coming back again.
Photo by Michał Kubalczyk on Unsplash