Many years of working as a sales assistant, and a dog walker as a side gig, have taught you one important lesson: you never ever want to go back there again. You’re tired of being yelled at by customers, who are trying to create problems for you in order to hide their own internal struggles. You’ve picked up enough dog shit. It’s time to finally move forward and get the job of your dreams.
The first step you need to take is learn as much as possible about your chosen career.
Rob your local library of all their books relevant to your topic (but don’t actually rob them unless your chosen profession is to become a robber.) Decide that you’ve taken home more books than you’ve ever read in your life, and that you should rather give yourself an achievable task.
Learn a Wikipedia page by hard instead. Or at least memorise enough so you can bring up some facts in conversation and make everyone believe you’re a genius. Never admit that you never read more than said Wikipedia page.
Get a haircut. Your new job requires a new you, and we all know that good looks, confidence and the illusion of you being a professional gets you way further than actual competence. Go through your positive affirmation lines in your head while looking in the mirror at your hairdresser. You smart. You loyal. I appreciate you.
Consider seeing a shrink to figure out why DJ Khaled was your instant source for affirmation and come up with a reason that is linked back to your childhood. Blame your mother. For everything. No seriously, everything.
Realise that your new haircut makes you look like Chicken Little. Curl up in a ball on the kitchen floor to perform a mild existential crisis as you realise that film was released 14 years ago. Think about your own morality and how you are closer to your own death now than you were 14 years ago.
Eat an entire tub of ice cream. Decide to become a full-time hedonist for the rest of your life.
Wake up in the morning with a chocolate-y spoon sticking to your hand, and get ready for work. Hide in the toilets and look for other jobs in the area that might not drain you emotionally. Storm out when the time you’ve spent there is slowly moving towards the speculation that you’re either: a) taking a shit, b) shooting up heroin, c) having intercourse, d) dying.
Go to bed early in an attempt to wake up an hour earlier and chase your dreams, just like you read in that blog post the other day. Real achievers get up before the sun does, because there’s enough achievement and pleasure in annoying everyone by telling them how much of a morning person you are. Maybe tell them that you also signed up for the gym that same morning. Never tell anyone that you never went. Continue to pay for the membership just in case you will.
Have a vivid dream about a scenario at your workplace where someone is blaming you for their divorce and the fact that you can’t assist them in getting out of it. Lots of people queue up behind your customer, who are getting just as angry. As a result, the couples in the queue start blaming each other for their failed career aspirations. The rest is looking for their kids. There’s probably a fire, too.
Wake up drenched in sweat, and as you get ready for work realise that you already have the job of your dreams! Tell your shrink about the dream and blame it all on your mother again. Repeat cycle whenever a new birthday comes up.
Photo by William Iven on Unsplash