We all have those moments sometimes, right?
Moments where you stupidly and almost subconsciously chain a rock to your foot without realizing it until it suddenly gets darker around you and there’s more than just seaweed tickling your feet and oh hello I didn’t know fish that look like they’ve got a lamp glued to their face actually existed wow how fascinating. Instead of focusing on how good breathing would feel now, you keep looking at all the weird faces and unexpected images around you, although you do know quite well what’s going to happen.
In case you haven’t experienced the feeling of being placed in a white room with blank walls coming closer to you, the walls being a metaphor for all the pressure you and your life and your parents and your school and all of the other ‘yours’ are currently placing you under, this all might seem like nonsense to you. Oh, and I can easily imagine there’s a good chance you’re considering to get me tested, right?
Well, whether you’re right or not doesn’t really matter in this blog post. I’ve been told you can write about anything you want and people will either like it or get confused and call it rubbish, before they label it as modern art that is open to interpretation. In which case, I have to admit that both outcomes are fine by me; I mean, who can truly know whether Hemingway was a literary genius or just a mad lunatic who hallucinated his stories before taking that last sip of absinth?
My mind and I, without any particular additional significance in being the same or not, are currently in two different places. One of them is in what most people would call the rational, presentable and normal state, not letting external pressure change the way I interact with people or perform in life. My mind, on the other hand, is feeling an urge to escape. An urge to break out of this never-ending circle of duties and expectations that apparently have a great impact on myself and my future success, whatever that means. It seems so absurd to me that we mindlessly limit our freedom by letting everything else but ourselves make our decisions and dictate our lives, instead of wondering what we truly desire.
In times like these, I start questioning everything. I start asking why it is so important to you to find out what reflection of you, consisting of some pixels (and technology way more fascinating than our purpose to use it) is the most presentable and most likely to be accepted by others? As if others’ opinions and comments change the person you are. To continue this stream of ridiculousness: why do people actually get outraged if you put pineapple on pizza, if you’ve worn the same t-shirt for three days, whether you like the series “Friends” as if that’s a universal thing to enjoy; and do people seriously care if your boyfriend bought you this bracelet from Pandora or Primark? Who puts the value in items that are created from the same place with the same resources? Neither do we care that you and the person you’re being intimate with have been together for three months as if there lies an achievement in intentionally putting up with the same person. Why do we get impressed if someone has dressed smart for an interview, when we already know that we’re all just idiots trying to impress each other for whatever reason?
The list could go on forever, but who knows if you’re still reading or if you’ve given up halfway through to just leave a like and comment a variety of emojies as if you actually enjoyed, and most importantly, understood raw thoughts expressed in a language that isn’t even comprehensive enough to truly describe anything. These questions are far from original, if originality even exists, and the reason why I haven’t dialled the number to the closest madhouse yet, is because I am more than confident most of us experience moments of insanity once in a while. Whether it’s because exam season is coming up, you have to take a decision you believe or feel is important to you, or maybe you’re just buried in piles of work and responsibilities and stuck in a big, dark hole of hopelessness, without any escape in sight.
Maybe this is our brain’s way of making us go through it all, a way to keep focusing on the finish line ahead of you, instead of giving up when you only have 50 more metres to run. However, here comes the important part: It doesn’t change a single thing. It’s not like these thoughts and feelings have any impact on the situation you’re in, neither do they enlighten you in a way that changes your whole life and what you’re deciding to do with it. I do still think it’s important to not suppress these feelings, to rather let them out; dance around the house naked, talk to yourself in the mirror and ask who the hell is staring at you, go out for a run and then stop after 2 minutes because you’ve just reminded yourself of how much you hate cardio, go get some water colours and start painting, hug that random dog on the streets (although I’d be a little careful with this one, you can never be sure what sort of things you can be accused of nowadays), and yes, do plan that escape trip to Cuba, because it suddenly felt like the only right thing to do and you have to let yourself experience the ridiculousness of that idea before you can really understand what’s going on in your mind.
There is nothing wrong with breaking out of that normal and rational state that makes us look like we’re actually reasonable creatures in a world that only consists of coincidences and randomness, and will never really make sense. I’m sure even Obama or the Pope have their occasional sessions where they close all the curtains to jam out to Madonna without wearing anything else than a layer of liberation and short taste of freedom.
So don’t worry, let yourself be a little crazy and impulsive sometimes. No matter what decision you make, it will be OK. That exam that’s the reason for your sleep deprivation and excessive amount of coffee will not actually destroy your future and yes, others have survived before you, so you can do it, too. Even though we feel weird when having those little outbreaks in time of stress and pressure, we can always remind ourselves of how we’re all worried, that no one really knows what the hell is going on, and that we all, deep down, to a healthy degree, are just a little bit insane.
