Black-haired, intelligent and strong.
Popular, beloved and talented.
Pretty, successful and creative.
No, I'm not talking about Audrey Tautou or Michelle Obama.
The girl I'm talking about would never ever associate herself with anyone as this self-confident. Especially considering she wouldn't even identify with herself. Whoever she was.
It's already hard enough to live in a world full of delusions and wrong perceptions. There is no need to confuse our lives with a stream of negative consciousness, wringing the truth even more. One could of course argue that the reality we perceive as real is the one that is true to us, which is why it should matter. Perhaps we should adapt to the picture of reality our mind has constructed. But since it is created by ourselves, shouldn't we also be able to influence it in such great degree that we could make it a more pleasant reality for us?
I guess some people don't really choose it themselves.
It's not like she wanted to destruct herself, make herself feel more like a moron than humans inevitably are anyway. She constantly tried to make changes, to improve - but even that destroyed parts of her. It was almost like she was on this train of devastation, not being able to jump off, no matter how many times she moved or how often she tried to jump.
Sometimes she would get used to being there, even find some nice wagons with hot coffee and tea, next to some biscuits. Those nice treats would give her short kinds of pleasure, but she knew it was only temporary anyway. Nothing made it possible for her to feel satisfaction, not even balance.
In times of great despair, there was always help available. She was fully aware of that, making use of it as much as her conscience allowed her to. The help simultaneously gave her confirmation on her feelings and her thoughts, they suddenly felt even more real. This might have had a negative impact on her, feeding the delusion, but quite the contrary was the case - it helped her erase some bits and pieces of this reflection of reality of hers.
Now, what didn't help her was the contradiction she received. The Opposition might or might not have seen reality clearer, but that didn't matter to her. The more unpleasant feelings she suffered from, the more it would tear her down. What must it feel like when you're already feeling closer to a delusional reality, and then you are told this isn't even real? Who do you believe? Will you trust your own feelings or someone else's?
With all of this never ending confusion, mixed with unpleasant feelings, it builds itself up to a humongous mountain of despair. Eventually, she reached the peak of this mountain, her feet hurting because of all the walking against the icy wind, her back tired of carrying the baggage from the past. Her eyes, still burning, spotted something in her reach, almost close enough to grasp. She held her plam against the sun, holding the other one up to take it. The chance was there, right in front of her. Even the distance seemed to become less. It was almost too easy.
And that was when she slipped.
There was no chance she would ever climb that mountain. Convinced she would only fall again for every try, with the hard, cold ground waiting for her, everything that was left for her to do was to establish a safe haven on the train. Nevertheless, even this safety wouldn't last for long. Or at least so she thought. So she felt.
After trying and failing several more times to escape the train she was on, she decided to think outside the box. Out of the train wagons she had been walking through. So this time, she didn't jump off it. She didn't run. She didn't manipulate the brakes or the motor. Neither did she stop the train. Instead, she put one foot in front of the other. And by the following next step- she finally flew.
