Photo by Alexander Schimmeck on Unsplash
I'm sure I'm not the only one whose self-control has been put to the test lately. Maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, refraining from snacking myself through boredom and emotional distress, or even just making sure to shower and dress have all required an unusual amount of will power. My days are either broken up into nights where I decide to finish bingeing a show until 5 am because let's face it, as a uni student and bartender on furlough, I don't have many responsibilities to get up for on time, and afternoons spent in bed on those days where my motivation is so low, that I get up as late as possible so there's less time to fill with things to keep me occupied.
I like to believe that our bodies are quite good at suppressing what we can't process right now, while adapting to (I'm so sorry - everyone deserves a shot whenever they hear this) the new normal, but even after getting used to bullet journaling and preparing for the week to keep me busy, as well as taking up painting and playing music, of course there are still days when the effects of isolation take over. I'd like to point out that this isn't me wallowing in self-pity - I think it's important to be compassionate towards ourselves and the way we have chosen to cope with a reality that was so quickly imposed on us. But I do think it's interesting to reflect on those new impulses and maybe see if anyone feels the same? Acknowledging it, sharing it with others and perhaps even making fun of it feels like a way to gain back control, even if just a little.
Discipline, moderation and even just any sign of balance all feel heavier than usual. Inspired by Man Repeller's List of Things I Miss, Don't Miss, Won't Miss, and Won't Forget, I've compiled a list of things that have been impossible to resist during lock-down:
Going a day without being angry (thank you Twitter)
Suppressing all other negative emotions by drowning my body in carbs (shoutout to the endless varieties of pasta)
The urge to like and retweet posts I agree with as if I'm engaging in some political activism for a sense of control and temporary relief
Indulging in everything - TV shows, food, YouTube rabbit holes, even being obsessed with a rich, narcissistic person's life without deciding whether I hate or love them (The saga that is Caroline Calloway's life has been my paracetamol for existential quarantine pain)
Spiraling into thoughts about embarrassing or painful memories from the past while reading until I just stare into the void for ten minutes the way you would on mushrooms when the walls start to melt
Talking to friends about people on trash TV in order to distract from my own reality
Following the nutrition-less desires of my inner toddler (yesterday's dinner was half a packet of Haribo's Tangfastics and a cheese sandwich)
Complaining about lockdown
Making a packet of biscuits last no more than a day
Enjoying fashion TV shows while knowing that I'll feel guilty and tone-deaf for wanting new clothes when I'm reminded of lockdown a second later
Considering to create an OnlyFans to fund what I pretend is a culinary hobby for food and wine when in reality I just like to snack and having a few glasses of wine with a friend over online hangouts
Sharing extracts from a book I'm passionately reading because I love the DM conversations they prompt
Feeling like I've done enough in a day
I guess what I can take from this is that I'm eating and drinking more than ever before, and indulging in imaginative political fights and people portrayed as non-autonomous sex addicts online (Too Hot To Handle is too problematic not to be entertaining I'm sorry). Is there anything you've been finding impossible to resist during lockdown? Like texting old exes to combat lockdown's loneliness or bingeing workout videos as if that's the same as actually doing them? Whatever it is, my DMs are open. I clearly won't be able to resist texting back so please go for it.